To Whom It May Concern,

a). Do I tell you howto do your job?  To the bald mexicanbandit who won’t quit telling me about awesome songs on his ipod, you continueto make striking out and falling short look as suave as ever.  Even when we play songs that explicitly tellyou what to do on the dance floor, you’re still a wretched person.  Before you unnecessarily criticize a JayZdeep track and adamantly insist on Pit Bull, look around to observe 2/3rds ofthe venue smiling, nodding, and singing along.They haven’t heard this song in a very long time and retro deep tracksusually excite them and take them psychologically to a different moment intime.  It’s a fun experience for theparty goers.  If you see and recognizethis you are not entitled to make the overarching claim, ‘no one’sdancing.’  I’m sorry it’s 10:15 and yourcocaine buzz is wearing off, but bandit, please allocate your drugsappropriately next time.  I am not responsiblefor your inability to ration your narcotics over four hours.  When you buy them their next drink, rememberyou’re nothing more than the pussyless puppet of the Busted CougarsBrigade.  I don’t listen to yourcriticism, I look beyond you. 

b).  To the ex-producerformer employee dinosaurs of  BMI andColumbia - what the fuck?  If you stillare or were ever someone of any importance or EVER worked for a major label asyou so claim, you wouldn’t be giving pointers to a sports bar DJ in centralVirginia. I’m not looking for your talent scouting advice, as in reality, I’m asports bar DJ in central Virginia.  Idon’t care if you don’t like mp3s because they don’t sound as good as vinyl, Idon’t like your pirate ear ring or your ugly wife.  Analog has had it’s day.  Try very hard to accept that digital isn’tgoing anywhere for a while. 

            No, despite whatyou claim, you did NOT book Tiesto, you payed $30 for one of his mix tapes andplayed it in your basement for you and your friends while you drank neon bluetequila and thought for a moment you were living a more glamorous life. Thenyou wake up face down in your backyard in a pile of dog shit.

            If you weresmart, you’d know that glitch in the middle of an illegal mp3 makes andexcellent sampled hit or a rim shot on the back beat of your own interestingelectronic music creations.  (Read theKim Cascone article about the post-digital aesthetic if you’re confused).  Dinosaurs are extinct for a reason - who letyou out of the tar pits?

Sincerely and Hatefully,

            F-Ron GhenghisKhan